Trigger Warning: Pregnancy Loss
As the title says, this blog has a trigger warning because I’m going to be talking about pregnancy loss. If that’s a topic that feels like too much to take on, please close out of this blog and protect your peace ♡
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As Mother’s Day approaches, personally I am navigating conflicting feelings of grief for the pregnancy that would have been at its halfway point and gratitude for the family that I currently have. My grief comes in waves since I suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant.
The days and weeks that followed the news that my pregnancy was non-viable felt incredibly long and rushed, all at the same time. I was measuring time in the number of days and then weeks from when I found out. I never considered that I would become a statistic, that I would come to know the pain of grief so viscerally the moment the ultrasound confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Each medical encounter I had felt like a knife in my heart, having to confirm that yes, I was still experiencing pregnancy symptoms and no, I was not having any bleeding or cramping to suggest anything was amiss.
Waiting for the D&C was torture, what if my body recognized the loss before the procedure? How would I deal with the physical reminder of this loss of life? When the day arrived, I was relieved and ready to “move on” but it felt impossible. I had very little experience in the hospital setting and felt overwhelmed. The medical professionals’ empathy and kindness broke me down, when I felt like I had no more tears left. I was blown away by the frequency that this happens: each nurse I had unfortunately knew exactly what I was going through because she too had experience.
In the aftermath, I was grateful to friends and family who so freely shared their experience with me. Overnight I had gained an invisible membership to a club I had never even considered joining. Suddenly, I felt so triggered by things I never noticed prior: the sheer number of pregnant people in my town, the number of strollers with bassinet attachments, conversations at the park that now seemed strained when previously they were not. And while this work had thus far been life-giving for me, I needed to take a step back, hibernate a little, and learn how to live in the grief and process my loss. I was relieved when friends shared with me that they too mourned the postpartum seasons they wouldn’t get to have and the timelines they had crafted in their heads.
A friend who is well-versed in grief once shared with me something she learned in hers: we never ‘get over’ our grief, it’s as if we’re carrying a weighted basketball around and it just gets easier to carry because we keep living life, having experiences, and creating memories but it’s always there. Being almost two months out, I can see this as being true. While I am not sure how my story will unfold from here, I know that having a strong community was critical to my ability to process.
This experience has been formative for me, and I’m still figuring out exactly how I’ll be using it for good in this work so this is my first step: to try and break down some of the barriers around miscarriage and loss. It is unfortunately common and I just want to encourage you to share with your community, if that’s something you want to do. You may be surprised at what you find when you’re vulnerable. I know I have been.
This season is feeling particularly tricky with Mother’s Day approaching. I’m feeling empathy and compassion towards all those that are trying to conceive, those that are in limbo waiting to find out, and those that have children as well. This weekend will bring up a lot of feelings and that is ok. Be kind to one another; we’re all navigating the best we can.
If any of this resonated with you and you’re wanting to chat further, please email me. I would love to set up a time to connect.
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Andrea Yates at Caring for You Doula is a postpartum doula based in Hoboken, NJ, serving families across northern NJ- Hudson, Essex, Bergen, and Union Counties. She is passionate about caring for the birthing person, the postpartum period, and helping parents navigate this time with confidence. Contact her today to set up a free consultation on how she can help care for you and your family during this amazing time.
